Sunday, October 23, 2011

Crazy Terry's Used Car Capital

So, this news story came up a day or two ago. Wacky, right? Read that again, let that turn of affairs sink into your brain for a minute.

Terry Nelson's reign in Roseau River had its fair share of controversy, Nelson being something of a regionally-renowned shit disturber, but his long and tumultuous Chiefdom came to its conclusion when he was forced out by the First Nation's custom council last month and his permanent replacement elected a week and a half ago.

Terry Nelson isn't the type of guy to let a little thing like impeachment get him down, though; now he's free to pursue his other interests, like... securing a ten-million-dollar line of credit, setting up shop at the outskirts of town, and working with car dealers to shore up a fleet of used vehicles with satellite-tracked immobilizers in them. Hey, career advancement is in the eye of the beholder, right?

So I for one wish him all the best in his future endeavors, and I for one am looking forward to seeing how this all plays out. I can only imagine -- I can only imagine what the television commercials will be like...

Crazy Terry's Used Car Capital on Highway 6 is clearing house all this month, and we're passing the savings on to you!

Bad credit? No credit? No problem! This 1985 Pontiac Parisienne can be yours, for only thirty-nine-ninety-five! Zero per cent financing available, no money down.

I used to argue for treaty rights, but now I'm agreeing to treat you right! This 1994 Chevrolet Cavalier, brown and grey with all its original doors, only fifty-nine-ninety-five!

And, brothers and sisters, it is still the same: the white man wants to control us. Well, control is just what you'll get from this '89 Oldsmobile, a Cutlass Ciera, ninety-nine-ninety-five. And every finance package comes with a gas voucher! This $20 value, absolutely free, all this month at Crazy Terry's Used Car Capital.

Let me tell you, folks, there's only one way to deal with a white man: you either pick up a gun, or you stand between him and his money. But why stand when you can relax in style? This 1992 Buick Roadmaster, original wood paneling, yours for only sixty-nine-ninety-five! And we'll match any competitors' financing offer; I have no intention of letting anyone, Jew or otherwise, give you a better deal.

I used to command roving batallions of armed men, deployed to intimidate my enemies and enforce my rule; now I finance the same trucks they used to drive around in! Like this 1999 Dodge Ram, seventy-nine-ninety-five! Just thinking about it is enough to drive a man kah-razy!

People ask me, they say "Crazy Terry, how is it you can offer these great loan packages that the white man's banks can't?" Well, I'll tell you how! If you miss a payment, we SHUT YOUR CAR DOWN FROM SPACE.

So come on down to Crazy Terry's Used Car Capital! Highway 6 near the Perimeter, one block west of Red Sun Gas Bar. Crazy Terry's Used Car Capital: the best in the business, and you can take that to the bank!


Anonymous said...

Comedy gold James! When it comes to FN stories; the jokes write themselves!

Fat Arse said...

Speechless. I am utterly speechless.

Anonymous said...

No we need more jackasses with IQ's on level with nits like your single digit IQ anonymous!!!

Anonymous said...

Crazy Terry's Used Car Capital is funny, not as funny as Anonymous IQ level but nevertheless, funny.