Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Fun With Data, Because People are Insane: A Look at the Site's 2012 Search Engine Hits

All of the following are complete and unedited search result strings; this is how people found me.

Yes, the end of the year previous and the beginning of the next meant a full calendar's worth of data to dig through, an opportunity that I dove into with gusto just as soon as it was available. This was not, however, a task that would lend itself to extended attention and prompt resolution; as you will discover shortly, prolonged exposure to the specifics of the Internet's interests and appetites is... an unwise decision, psychically.

Oh, it starts off reasonably enough:

Very Specific, Perfectly Reasonable Searches

See, okay, these, these make sense. Somebody punched these in and got exactly what they'd wanted, and that makes me happy.

Some of them may sound strange, yes; some of the search strings even sounded strange to me, until I remembered that, wait, right, I think I've written something like that. (Such a scenario may sound implausible, but with the blog now entering its seventh calendar year -- yikes -- immediate recall of every single item becomes more and more challenging.)

slurpees murder kerfuffle
white people swiss chalet
inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist
indignity comic sans
terry nelson used cars
this is our canada levac and preddie
blogspot national suffix
internet pundits
william mccauley - riel, the original soundtrack
teppo numminen
winnipeg phonebook cover
death by popcorn the tragedy of the winnipeg jets ctv
macho man waffle house
virgil wrestling superstar
lou reed cow tipping
slurpees murder shih tzu
shih tzu pug cross grey
brent bellamy pumping station slurpees and murder
jesus taps out satan
neil young hockey moose
come near at your peril canadian wolf
winnipeg daily herald kennewick sucks
maxime bernier just for laughs gags
look at my iron fist

And of course --

slurpees and murder: winnipeg

-- which I just liked because the colon placement made it seem like a CSI spinoff.

Timely and Topical Searches

These were also accurate -- or mostly accurate, one or two being beyond my scope -- but I like them most for their immediacy; 2012 was another big busy year, and people will very often dump their top-of-mind issue directly into the search bar just to see what might turn up.

winnipeg water park
the cube winnipeg problems
welcome to the north end people before profit
uptown winnipeg layoffs
bfi waste management dumpsters
ponemah, mb storm july 29
winnipeg new hipster hotel
winnipeg police meeting quota
brian pallister full court press
dunnottar sewer
reston manitoba liquor store
truck hits building in brunkild
folklorama israel pavilion menu
boon burger delete facebook?
tom oleson she was some woman

Enjoy the view right now while you can, because it's all downhill from here:

Somewhat Less Accurate Searches

I get where these were going -- or I sort of get it, maybe, I think -- but, no, I don't really have what you're looking for, and yes, I was briefly mystified by your asking.

transcona flamingos
funny winnipeg jets logos
bourbon street billiards blog winnipeg
mitch peacock cbc hair
winnipeg blue bombers kaw liga
we'd like to wish you all the best, from all of us at landau
toonie canada jokes
up to the minute news
17 week old golden retriever puppy
cottage booze
black knight clear waterproof roof patch warranty
winmine resource download
letter to the editor cfib
aptn + taz stuart
winnipeg blue and gold all star game
blue white red star golf logo
cbc poll: do you think winnipeg should spend more on bike paths
raffi zombie english
speeches for batman

Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Searches

Now we're really out of my territory, quite literally in these cases. I try to help you all I can, but I can't do nothin' for you, man:

alberta watches
vancouver slurpee rental
Shoppers Drug Mart, Prince Rupert, BC
montreal chandelier stores
kalen mitchell +cbc halifax
ontario's flag protest red ensign replaced
thunder bay murders 2011
current slurpee prices in alberta
whitehorse rodgers video closing
boston globe bruins cup holders
greyhound bus cut back alberta
sand stone society, lokhandwala murder case
wat is d distance of funtown park from najafgarh
swiss chalet thunder bay demolished

That was quite the little trip, wasn't it? Let's return back to the local beat, where, alas, it seems we will find:

Morale is Low Searches

Sometimes it is unclear if people even intend to find anything, or if they just go to the search bar in the top-right corner of their browser to vent.

what the hell is whyte ridge residents in winnipeg stirring up the shit
winnipeg sucks
winnipeg transit sucks
winnipeg transits sucks
manitoba hydro place problems forum
portage place flaws
summer is half way through winnipeg
manitoba justice sucks
winnipeg downtown biz sucks
your vote dosent matter
i hate living in winnipeg
red river ex scary
terry nelson is crazy
what the fuck fun things to do summer 2012 manitoba

Get Travel Manitoba on the line, I think we've found the next big ad campaign.

You may have noticed that a handful of the searches thus far have been phrased in the form of a question, perhaps a holdover from the seemingly-forever-ago "Ask Jeeves" boom. (I did, amazingly, get a handful of Ask.com queries throughout the year -- most of them apparently from the same person, who found the blog each time by searching for "james newton howard slurpees and murder". I sort of wish I hadn't known that.)

So let's group them all together, and collectively ponder:

Important Question Searches

has there been any killings in winnipeg in 2012
portage place clock when is functioning
what would a slurpee be classified as?
how does winnipeg transit work
is KFC Tuesday special still available in Canada
any murders in winnipeg lately?
when did raspberry drops from nutty club come out?
where do hipsters hang out in winnipeg
how does winnipeg transit buses environmental
what kind of hat is neil young wearing?


anybody attended churchill high school in winnipeg

No, sir. Nobody; nobody ever. It is a very empty school.

No, See, I Can't Do Your Homework for You Searches

I try my best to be helpful, but c'mon, you guys, I can't do everything for you:

what is the theme of the good little feature by M. C. Blackman
les nuits sont longues translate
mayor of winnipeg, mb. before stephen juba
most beautiful t shirt logos
historical inaccuracies in riel 1979 movie
what time does the stanley cup playoff 2012 for april 17 tonight
why is there so much murder in winnipeg
in yahoo they say winnipeg capital city of murders
what are two adjectives about the canadian flag
hockey night in canada intermission report
colours of the flag of manitoba only
Cost and schedule for Gray goose Bus from Flin Flon to Winnipeg Christmas eve.
santa claus parade float ideas
manitoba city where

And one mysterious person searched for

free photos of ponemah, manitoba

which made me concerned, on two levels:

1) Apparently, all other photos of Ponemah, Manitoba on the internet cost money, and
2) daaang, I could have used that money, that's a monetization opportunity wasted.


Also, Some More Important Question Searches

is pabst sold in winnipeg
what is a third-tier discount store
are slurpees good to have when you have a flu
why isn't there oil in manitoba
is manitoba safe or murder
what year did clyde brock nolan bailey and tim roth record the album 800 lbs of west country rock
why do all the blogs linked to my blog have a dot ca at the end instead of their usual address of do
how much should i sell my beat up old dutch potato chip can for
is burton cummings related to louis riel
do the hells angels own dollarama?
ross eadie how did you vote

As you've surely sensed for yourself, we're beginning to drift into areas perhaps best described as:

I Don't Want to Know, Do I Searches

mmmmnnnnnnno, no, I kind of suspect that I don't. Probably better off not dwelling on the reasons for these.

flourescent clothing winnipeg
reading comprehension bifi graffiti
what does it mean when they tell you slurpee
blue bombers cheerleaders nude
winnipeg sun/sungirls archives
will telus hire me if i have a criminal record
role models slurpee scene
canada's most dangerous man, winnipeg
louis riel, slurpee, giveaway, promotion. old navy "t shirts"
attractive place in winneperg
the love nest boxing day winnipeg
funsters 2012 guys caught cheating sexy girl prank just laughs gags
jamaican calypso singer hope howard
graduate fashion week 1997 scott fielding
shoplifting at zellers manitoba

Egad. Well. A brief respite, perhaps, before we delve any further.

Interesting Ideas Searches

I don't have these, and that's really sort of too bad, because actually -- now that I've seen them -- they really do look like interesting propositions, don't they? These seem like they might have some fascinating outcomes, whether the end product currently exists or not:

manitoba new flag design
change the flag of manitoba
winnipeg transit font name
winnipeg police soundboards
advice to first year creative communications students
portage place winnipeg blog
the clock at portage place mp3
winnipeg tribune's kenny ploen tribute
kern hill north end youth
best pay as you go manitoba
winnipeg bylaws for parkour

Food for thought! You'll want to make sure that you bite down securely, because you'll need to be prepared for the final stretch:


what is, what

I just, I don't, I can't. I don't. I'm not sure whether I find the bursts of gibbering chaos or the bouts of perfectly lucid insanity to be more concerning; someone has surely gone mad, and I am no longer certain that it is not me.

The great big wide internet contains an awful lot of advice about writing and tailoring a site's output for its specific audience, but believe me, if I tried to craft blog content and build SEO strategies around these results I'd be Napoleon XIVed in a hurry.

Why, hello, Internet! What brings you here today?

perogies meme
video of identify a person affect by bipoledisorder
kingfuu movees urdu dabut
lizzy mascot
eat more cake
cat sextronic
part 35 in manitoba oh and safety book
mardi gras bullet points
poems about slurpee canada
dab nagg 122
antique plaster birds
streetz devil
bombers logo beating up a roughrider logo
junk, rubbish,disposal,
where there's smoke war blogspot
I don I don't even
dangers of slurpies yahoo
folding metal chair
mcdonalds logo red and white
donkey kong costume
daffy duck guitar
different costume in basketball
used slurpy m
captain america shield no
mural painting management college thoughts
jets logo fliped
slurpee guess manitoba flavour
hoben mir a niggundel
athletes natural comic
speed hacks for rock paper scissors slurpee
kijiji kattens 4 sale spite
hockey nhl teams sing
crazy stuff said by mayor bill norrie
poison slurpee
why write the poem 156lines
ryan dinwiddie information
flashes of light
sighting of jesus
cyril sneer misunderstood
inside every murderer there is a
like transil sucks his moters s pussy
terry nelson shitting in portage concourse
braden holtby fanfiction
burnt witch survivors group
can a slurpy kill a fetus


(Results already received in 2013: "background for slogan"; "cat whisperer in winnipeg"; "the surrealist adventure that will become your word"; "bizarre manitoba murders".)

Next time, on Slurpees and Murder: not this!


Anonymous said...

A little secret - my previous Blog featured a newsfeed, as well as a twitter feed. Google's spiders scan web pages & blogs as a whole i.e. every bit of text. IOW not just what you write, but what's in the newfeed, twitter feed, AND even links to other blogs. So even if you've never wrote a single word about masturbation in a blog entry people could still end up at your blog expecting mastubation after searching.

Personally I prefer using Wordpress.com to Blogger because it provides a lot more features, but hey if you're happy I'm happy too.

Yours' truly wpgcr2012 AKA Winnipeg News Review.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to name my hair metal band 'Poison Slurpee'. My other band, 'The Sated Locusts,' will drive down from Dunnottar to open for them.

Anonymous said...

The most important question of our time: can a slurpy kill a fetus?