Welcome back, everyone!
As I'd mentioned, I took a bit of a break from the site after ManLinkWeek ran its natural course and Uptown Magazine went kablooie, but you knew I couldn't stay away for too long -- so, in my absence, I've been working away diligently at piecing together a multimedia extravaganza from some surprisingly-relevant historical material that I happen to have in my possession.
So! What you are about to read right now is absolutely, definitely not that project. But I haven't posted in a while -- multimedia extravaganzas do not simply fall from the sky -- and I hate to leave you guys hanging, so to tide us all over here are a bunch of local names that kind of sound like they'd be Pokémon.
(To borrow from George Carlin: these are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.)
Now, bear in mind that I haven't played a Pokémon game in... thirteen years, and since then they've added... let me check, here... four hundred and ninety-eight new ones, so I'm looking up a lot of the game-related stuff right now as we speak. And apparently, coming up with five hundred new ideas since then has meant they've created Pokémon like this, this and this, so actually, nothing you are about to read would be entirely outside the realm of possibility.
Arkadash. Full disclosure: this entire post is Arkadash's fault, because there are Pokémon named "Arcanine" and "Rapidash", and every time -- every time -- I hear the word "Arkadash" it sounds like it has to have been a portmanteau of those. So Arkadash is Fire-type, and can run very fast, and is probably some kind of horse.
Surefoot. Ice/Fighting-type; credit goes to Colin Fast for this one (and I'm sure he's thrilled to be lumped in with this), because he was the one who suggested that a Surefoot should be a loveable Sasquatch that falls down a lot.
Rosenbee. Grass/Flying type; take a wild guess what it'd look like.
Luxalune. Psychic waterfowl (which is not an unknown concept, mind); evolves from Luxsole.
Nikkibrown. Grass/Water type, because that's what beer is, essentially. Evolves from Philspils; evolves into Stickstout, which would look like, let's say, a boar covered in tree bark.
Konastout. Dark/Water-type; evolves from Garrydark, which evolves from Garrypale. Certain items can also evolve Garrydark into Happyjack, which -- if you've seen its bottle -- kind of looks like a Ghost-type Pokémon already. (And for how lazy the later Pokémon designs appear to have become, I guess we're obligated to throw in Angryfish.)
Iceplex. This thing, covered in ice, doing wrestling moves. DONE, NEXT ITEM
Antropov. An Ice/Ghost-type, being essentially invisible out there; for how little use he actually gets, most trainers ignore him to instead concentrate on leveling up a Scheifele or corralling a Byfuglien off the water.
(Hey, remember hockey? Ha ha, ahhh, those were the days.)
Hunnicutt. Flying-type; knowing Pokémon, I'm sure it'd end up being a bee covered in razor blades.
Quinzy. Rock-type, because I am not above easy jokes. It's hard to picture something being named a "Quinzy" and not being adorable, so let's say a Quinzy is a... prairie dog? A stone prairie dog, just a regular-ass prairie dog wearing thin rocks as armour plating. And since some Pokémon 'evolutions' are just three of a thing put together, let's go ahead and say that three stone prairie dogs working together is a Quinzmas.
Seriously, though, the next time you're having a bad day, run a Google image search for prairie dogs. Sometimes they kiss! They're very cute.
Inwardeye. Psychic-type, obligatory third eye slapped onto (let's say) a raccoon, surprisingly elusive in the wild; it evolves into Atticariots, but you don't find that out until you check your Pokédex, like, a year later.
Bokononist. Let's be honest: if you've never read Kurt Vonnegut, there's a very strong chance that the band name sounded like "The Pokémonists" to you in the first place.
Pipskid. Water-type; probably a grouchy, cuddly penguin.
Grandanalog. Electric-type, because I am not above easy jokes; occasionally spotted alongside a Wynrush.
Wolseley. Grass-type, obviously. The design for this Pokémon would reflect the sights and interests of a typical Wolseley visit, which is to say it'd be some kind of half-dog-half-bicycle critter, coincidentally also surrounded by a massive weed cloud.
If you thought to yourself "I bet Wolseley uses Defog", you are correct. It's Super Effective!
Swandel. Go ahead, say "Swandel" aloud. Now say it in a Squirtle voice. Feel that? That's lodged into your brain, and that is never coming out.
SWANDEL, SWANDEL SWANDEL
I'm sure there are a whole bunch of prospective Pokémon that I'm leaving off the list (what do you suppose a Juba would be? I'm thinking "walrus that shoots laser beams"), so hit me back in the comments if you have any ideas. Gotta Catch 'Em All, as they say!