The End is the Beginning is the End, or: Black and Blue and Gold All Over

Uptown Magazine! The snack that smiles back!

There are only two weeks left before we find ourselves in 2010, bidding farewell to another decade and then wondering just what the hell happened for everything to go wrong in the last ten years like that. But there's no point dwelling on it for too long, so just enjoy the moment and reflect on your own personal growth in the last decade -- then remember that we're all going to die because an essentially extinct civilization said so, which is the perfectly logical and irrefutable conclusion of my column this week. Hope you like sarcasm!

Speaking of sarcasm, and speaking of catastrophes -- ah, segues -- was anybody else disproportionately, perversely satisfied by the terrible day the Winnipeg Blue Bombers had yesterday? I don't mean to sound like I cherish schadenfreude above all else, but I usually do, so that's definitely how it's going to sound.

The morning started with the news swirling that CEO Lyle Bauer (who's been in charge of the Bombers for -- hey, how about that -- a decade) was probably, possibly, most likely, almost definitely going to quit. Then he did, having apparently worked out in his head how long it'll take him to get to Calgary by motorcycle. And the press conference, which he didn't even bother attending -- I've heard of phoning it in, but this is ridiculous! (Rimshot!) -- gave us one of the greatest Free Press pictures in recent memory. Way to smile through the tough times, Ken Hildahl!

Now, Bauer's most recent reoccurring problem had been his continuing support of (I think it's fair to call him) the team's somewhat unpopular head coach, Mike Kelly, and onlookers wondered what the resignation of Bauer might mean for Kelly's future employment status. As it turned out, it wouldn't make a lick of difference; in fact, one might reasonably suspect that Bauer skipped town because he heard what was in store for the man he had championed all year. Sure enough, within about an hour of Bauer's resignation, the news broke that Mike Kelly -- whoops! -- had been arrested and charged with assault for allegedly beating his girlfriend.

This got him fired, somehow.

Bomber chairman Hildahl -- who was suddenly starting to look awful lonely up there -- insisted that the dismissal was exclusively for professional reasons, and not because he batters women. Er, allegedly. But popular opinion seems to indicate that it doesn't matter why he was fired, just that he was, and a great cheer arose on the message boards and public forums of the city. Metaphorically, I mean, because actual cheering noises don't translate into text very well, and... never mind, let's move on.

Yes, it was a pivotal day in Winnipeg Blue Bomber history, and a suitably bizarre series of events in what has been an increasingly bizarre week all around for the city. I felt that the occasion deserved a little something in its memory, so I give you the following -- the first, last, and only known piece of Mike Kelly fan art, to commemorate his legacy as head coach of our Winnipeg Blue Bombers.



Stay classy, Mike Kelly!

You'll note the tanktop that I drew on him, as a privilege of my artistic license; they're normally referred to as 'wifebeaters', but that doesn't quite fit in this case because he never actually married the woman he allegedly roughed up. So, in the festive spirit that seems to have accompanied the news of his departure as head coach, may I propose the motion to the honourable readers in attendance that from this day onward we refer to the garment locally as a "Kellycloth".

Hey, at least he'll be remembered for something!