Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I Find Them Most Aggravating

Well. Good evening. Happy New Year! I trust you enjoyed yourself.

Last I'd written, I was ready and waiting to leave my previous job; I had thought to myself that this upcoming period of unemployment would last anywhere from a couple weeks up to a month. Newfound freedom! Plenty of time to chill out! Visit some family, do some writing, catch up on some reading and some neat video games, maybe see my roommates again every once in a while -- me time! Yeah!

The unemployment lasted three days.

Yeah, whee. I left my former employment at midnight on December 30th, then it went 31st, 1st, 2nd, hired. Stupid current desperate economy! Why I oughtta.

Three days is a lot less downtime than you'd think. I got to visit with my cat --

-- and I found time to draw a picture, just to see if my meager artistic talents had died from prolonged inactivity yet.

And then suddenly, here I am, working again. I got a job through Pinnacle Placement working for Investors Group, which means that I work way up in the Tower of Song in the NewPort Centre and that's all the information I'm allowed to give you without getting canned.

The view's nice from up there.

But you didn't hear that from me.

Anyway! In the bewildering and painful transition from working overnight shifts to working genuine business days, I haven't found much time to do much else but work and sleep. It wasn't until yesterday that I got around to skimming the piled newspapers of days previous, and it didn't take long at all before I regretted ever learning how to read.

Have a look at this, and see what you make of it. On page A3 of the Sunday, January 7th Winnipeg Free Press:

Let that all sink in for a second.

Yes, folks, Fred Brick of Brick's Fine Furniture deigns to tell you that "this generation", meaning anybody young enough to grasp video games (and by that he means anybody capable of following a ball around a screen), is specifically out to ruin television and radio for him. "I find them most aggravating and I'm not alone!"

Negative blanket statements about entire segments of the population are big business!

I find myself completely unclear on how this is supposed to draw people into his establishment. ('Mind-boggling annoying promos', indeed.)

"I, too," a crotchety senior citizen must theoretically be exclaiming somewhere, "am incapable of understanding Pong! I loathe the younger generation with their Atari games and their properly proofread advertising! GOD I NEED TO BUY A BEDROOM AND DINING SET SO BAD RIGHT NOW" and then off they go, rushing as fast as they can, to The Brick by mistake because old people are notoriously bad at reading the very small print lining the bottom of advertisements.

My question to you, Fred Brick, of Brick's Fine Furniture -- how the stone hell did you land prominent editorial space on page three? Is it seriously as simple as buying advertising room and writing in whatever incomprehensible nonsense you feel like? And, more importantly, how can I get in on this?

I mean, man! Clearly I've been going about this all wrong. The ticket to securing steady mainstream exposure for the fruit of your intellectual labour isn't won by a balanced approach to complex issues, an eye for a captivating story, a love of the written word, or the hard-earned respect of your audience and peers -- all you need is influence in the business community and a fat wad of cash!

Well, folks, just you wait! One day, I'll have that coveted spot on the opening pages of our venerable and respected city paper -- and there'll be nobody to stop me from delivering the hard-hitting journalism and carefully-phrased editorial wisdom that Winnipeg deserves! A sneak peek:

I can tell you're all as excited as I am.

Junkhouse - Be Someone [buy the Best Of album; original album seemingly unavailable online]
Clearlake - Good Clean Fun [buy]
Daniel Lanois - Power of One [buy]
Guided By Voices - Hold On Hope [buy]
Peter Mulvey - The Trouble with Poets [buy]

Stay tuned, gentle readers and true believers! I said I'd be writing more often, and I'm deranged enough to try and stick to my word!

No comments: