Thursday, March 15, 2007

There Are No Jobs Out There (Only Lies)

Yes, I'm back. Yes, I'm still unemployed. Good evening.

Perhaps you saw, as I had seen, this enchanting article in the business section of yesterday's Winnipeg Free Press.

Why, there are at least eleven thousand available Manitoba jobs in the small business sector alone! Such severe labour shortages are afoot that even our smallest local businesses are courting able bodies from other lands! It's an absolute sellers' market, if what you are selling is manpower! How, this article poses rhetorically, could anybody not find a job in our fine province nowadays?

"So, James!" you might begin, hoping to catch me in one of my many webs of deceit. "With the much-vaunted continuing shortage of workers in Manitoba and other provinces, why would you persistently suggest that no jobs are out there?"

Funny you should ask that! Remember how I spent four years of my life to corral myself a Double Honours in History and Political Studies? Well, ha ha, because:

Of these eleven thousand hypothetical jobs, only six hundred and sixty are actually considered options for workers with university degrees. And 'workers with university degrees' includes the accountants, the engineers, the teachers and the lawyers.

Employers would be five times more likely to consider me for a position if I had stopped at a high school diploma. Wow! Boy, now that's encouraging! Somebody get me a time machine or a gun!

"But, James!" you again chime in, perhaps because you do not know when to lay off. (Or perhaps because strawman arguments are easier to set up in narrative format, but shh.) "These are only the small business figures! Surely the rest of the province's businesses have different hiring criteria!"

First off, no, probably not. Secondly, the article cites Shannon Martin -- Director of Provincial Affairs for the Canadian Federation of Independent Business -- as mentioning that small businesses account for 94% of all businesses in the province.

To recap, then. 94% of Manitoba businesses combine for 11,000 open jobs, of which 660 are aimed towards university graduates -- including lawyers, doctors, engineers and accountants. Do you suppose there are more than six hundred and fifty-nine graduates or future graduates with these qualifications who would like a job in Manitoba?

Not to worry, though! After all, I'm sure our provincial leaders has just the solution for my woes! When the chips are down and times are tough, the Manitoba Government is here to... to, uh... to spend money on bus advertisements and promotional campaigns telling me how good I have it here!

You guys are jerks! Thanks for lying to me, though! I feel better already!

If anybody needs me, I'll be kicking around at home with no pressing demands on my time and nothing better to do than email resumes out. The struggle continues!

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