Sunday, April 27, 2008

Broken Bodies Bait, It Leaves Less Aftertaste

So, the Thrashers lost. That must be disappointing.

I hadn't really been following them, and I didn't even know that game was today until I got home and turned on the TV; I came across it while flipping through channels, and in those couple of minutes I watched the Thrashers gave up two quick goals on a five-on-three to surrender the lead. Then I flipped to, I don't know, cartoons or something before giving up on the television entirely and wandering off to eat something.

(I'm a fickle sort.)

But in times like these, when I notice I'm only peripherally aware of a locally relevant news story, I know exactly how to approach it: read as many different media outlets as possible and be inwardly tickled by the different approaches to covering the story.

What did, say, the Free Press write about it?

This is truncated, of course, but it continues on like you'd expect from there. It's kind of dry, kind of distant, pretty professional -- you know, the usual tone that the Free Press sticks with. (At least, when it isn't trying to trick us out of our money and cockblock downtown development to protect the scenery of a millionaires' club. "Not In My Back Yard" indeed.)

What did, say, CJOB write about it?

It's okay, CJOB, I understand. I feel your pain! The line about the team 'coming up just short' is almost irresistable, and it would have been a lot funnier if you or I ran the show -- but regretfully, 'midget hockey' isn't actually two teams of midgets bodychecking each other.

I know! Isn't that disappointing? The game is played by teenagers, who are actually about six feet tall or so on average, and the 'midget' title is just an adjective to make folks like you or I giggle slightly and completely fail to treat the game with the proper respect it deserves. So a couple dozen young athletes with big dreams take to the ice to play the game they love, hoping one day to work their way to the big leagues, and we're all like "AW COME ON WHERE ARE THE MIDGETS AT I WAS PROMISED LITTLE PEOPLE".

No, sir, we're not allowed in that arena any more.

Hawksley Workman - Little Tragedies ([Last Night We Were] The Delicious Wolves, 2001)
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Or am I completely alone on this one? Fine, fine. I was using the royal we there, then.

(Midget hockey is also commonly referred to as 'AAA hockey', but that just gets me started into lucha libre jokes and then I lose everybody in the audience.)

What did, say, the Winnipeg Sun write about it? Well, the Winnipeg Sun had almost exactly the same idea, but added on a couple extra layers of probably-accidental dickery:

Do I... do I still vote in the poll? Is that okay?

The poll was the first thing I noticed; I know that they're added daily and left to run for the full twenty-four hours as a matter of procedure, but it's still a weird juxtaposition to leave roaming free in the wild. But that isn't my favourite part of this article, oh no; the second thing I noticed was the Winnipeg Sun spelling the team name as "Trashers".

"Trashers"! Ha ha ha ha oh my god that is so mean! These teenagers of average size (again, not midgets -- and "Midget Cup just out of reach" would have been such a better headline for this story) won fifty-eight out of sixty games, and then when they lose the big one you roll on up like "hey guys more like trashers lol". Way to be a jerk, Winnipeg Sun.

(I hope they never fix that typo. I laugh every time I read that headline.)

So the Winnipeg TraThrashers didn't win the Telus Cup, but they did really well for themselves and represented their city about as well as any other teams around here usually do; they'll feel bad for a while, then they'll feel better about it and move on, and that'll be that. Better luck next year, midget-Thrashers!

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