Friday, May 02, 2008

I Got My MPI Rebate Cheque

Lately a whole metric wackload of people have been dropping by from Google to look at this year-old post, so it seems an updated briefing is in order. Fear not, befuddled passersby! I can safely reassure you that I received my MPI rebate cheque -- earlier today, in fact -- and if yours hasn't yet arrived it will follow suit shortly.

My advice: prepare for disappointment!

No doubt you're eagerly anticipating, as I was, the promised rebate of 10%; I pay a lot each year for the privilege of sitting in construction gridlock, and I'm not a dude with a lot of cash to begin with, so it's kind of important to me that I get back everything I can.

Let it be noted that I come across as far more eloquent and urbane through the medium of text when safely removed by a couple of hours from the original stimulus. Because when I arrived home from work earlier this evening and opened up that magical envelope, my initial real-life reaction was to blurt out something like "what the shit is this" and flip the emptied envelope about as far through the air as an emptied envelope can go.

I try not to let my sense of entitlement get a lot of exercise, but when it does get off-leash, the best course of action is to hide the valuables and bolt down the furniture. WHERE MY MONEY AT

The tiny exclusion details are the key, as you might expect when dealing with an insurance conglomerate. (A government insurance conglomerate, no less! That's a double whammy!) They'll give you back 10% of the dough you've begrudgingly paid all year, yes, but they're arbitrarily limiting it to ten percent of your net basic premiums; this means no rebate on extra insurance, on accrued interest, or (ha ha) on the registration and administration fees. In my case, since registration and administration fees were about one-eighth of the cash I ponied up all year, the actual rebate is only about eight and a half percent of what I (could barely afford but still) paid over the last twelve months.

So they told you 10%, sort of, but it's going to be more like 8.75%. And that's if you're lucky! If you're a decent enough driver that you don't get into accidents, but you've been paying for anything above the bare minimum -- loss of use, lower deductibles, increased third-party liability limits, your ostentatious vanity license plate, what have you -- then there are a few conclusions you can draw: 1) you've been coughing up extra fees for services you never needed, 2) the chances are very good that they were blatantly overcharging you for those while they were blatantly overcharging you for the basics, and 3) you are never seeing a dime of that money back.

Not to worry, though! They're very concerned about your money -- or at least, they're concerned enough about it that they don't want you giving any of it to those mean ol' predatory cheque-cashing places!

Oh, pfft. Whatever, you guys. Manitoba relies on equalization payments like Alberta relies on oil, people still cringe whenever anybody says the word 'Crocus', welfare rates haven't been raised since three years before the Jets died, and these cheques are only being sent out to begin with because MPI can't work a budget sheet. You'll forgive me if I don't rush to concentrate on your helpful financial tips.

Not that the inane patronization helps any, of course. "Cashing your government cheque?" No! No, I figured I'd eat it. Of course I'm cashing it, you jackass! What kind of question is that? I know it's hard to dress up a dry information leaflet like this one to make it dynamic and engaging, but geez. You may as well have written "Gee whillikers! Be careful!" on the bottom, just to really drive home the conversational tone of personal concern that sells the piece.

So anyway, yeah, I'm probably going to buy some beer with it.

Happy MPI Rebate Cheques, everyone!


Anonymous said...

See, I'm waiting for a check from the government, too - only mine is $600, and that's because I work and don't make more than $75,000. I will save *whatever I can* of this, to the protests of banks and the economy. They can go ahead and protest. The economy's been screwing Ohio for years, anyway.

James Howard said...

That's the spirit!

My income tax refund this year was pretty sizeable, but I ended up having to blow most of it on important dental work. Alas! Alas.