Classified Ads as Beat Poetry, or: Today's Your Lucky Day, Job Hunter

[ The following is a series of direct quotations from the Winnipeg Free Press Careers and Job Opportunities section for Saturday, June 18th, 2011. Each complete sentence is an unaltered -- (sic) -- quote from a position advertisement. No advertisement has been quoted more than once. ]

[ For best results, play this music in the background and read the following aloud in your best William Shatner cadence. ]


(ahem)





Would you enjoy working Mon. - Fri. during school hours to achieve a healthy balance between your career and home life? If you are searching for a challenging, exciting career opportunity, look no further! We are looking for a self starter who is positive, polite, yet assertive, to take this Full Time position.

It's simple really, you want steady work and a great income ... we want the work done and will pay you well for doing it. Challenging work, competitive salaries, attractive benefits, professional development, career advancement opportunities and the chance to become involved in your community await you. We offer the Best Pay Plan in Manitoba. This is an immediate opening.

Results oriented, ambitious, energetic, forward thinking, creative, innovative, analytical and persevering are all phrases that describe the ideal candidate. The ideal candidate must be able to work unsupervised. The desired candidate should also possess good residential & some commercial real estate knowledge. The successful candidate must possess a high degree of confidentiality and discretion.

Candidate must have some knowledge of Standard Repair Times.

A post-secondary degree or equivalent hospitality/business experience is required, as is the ability to attend an 8-week training session in Toronto. Experience using the Internet and other resources to perform research is required. Certificate in Non-Violent Crisis Intervention is required. Comfortable with roughly 25% to 30% travel.

Work is time sensitive & high volume. Periodic overtime will be required.

You will have knowledge/experience of an AS400 system and expert estimator as well as the hydronic and HVAC industry. Experience with object-oriented principles and background in Java development. Experienced in TAM (The Agency Manager). Intermediate computer skills.

Broad knowledge of IT Service Delivery Processes and Practices including Service Level Management, Incident Management, Problem Management, Change Management, Configuration Management and Security Management. Responsible for the management of Functional and Non-functional requirements to ensure that the needs of the business are translated into effective technical solutions. Able to lift 60 lbs.

A 'People First ' Attitude Is Most Important.

Must have valid class 3 driver's lic. Must have experience with vinyl, carpet, laminate, hardwood etc. Must have a class W Refrigeration ticket or higher.

Must have the ability to work with all levels and must have strong analytical, problem solving, communication and organizational skills. Minimum 3 years experience, hard & soft. Must Love Dogs.

Current in application of ICD - 10. Currently holds a level 1 license or above. Preference will be given to candidates with experience in youth engagement.

Experience with electronics and trailer assembly would be an asset. Experience in a "Lean Manufacturing" environment would be an asset. Previous furniture assembly or woodworking experience will be an asset.

Familiarity of the city is beneficial.

National Institute of Disability Management and Research (NIDMAR) designation is an asset. Working knowledge of JD Edwards software is an asset. Member of CAGP or CFRE designation and knowledge of Raiser's Edge are assets. Previous knowledge of a ticketing database, experience working in a non-profit environment, and some graphic design are all assets.

A/C experience an asset but not mandatory.

Compensation and benefits reflect the importance of this position. Sara made $19.22 per hour last week, did you? We will help you to excel in your professional and personal life. Our training program and service systems allow you to "be the best you can be".

Aboriginal persons, women, visible minorities, and individuals with disabilities are encouraged to self-declare in their covering letter. Bilingualism (French and English; written and verbal) is required. Ability to speak Ojibway a definite asset.

Please indicate "Sports Radio opportunity" in the subject line. Tracking number 1556.

Only those under consideration will be contacted.