You Get a News Story Like This and the Jokes Write Themselves

News reports emerged today that the City of Winnipeg will be awarding reality television star and occasional KISS bassist Gene Simmons with its highest honour, the Key to the City. Questions linger about the exact explanation for the honour, but City insiders say it's just to see how hard the Globe and Mail will have to work to write a positive article about it.

Big news out of the Manitoba capital today, as KISS personality Gene Simmons will receive Winnipeg's Key to the City! Asked about the public reaction to associating with such a well-publicized reputation for depravity, classlessness and mediocrity... Gene Simmons said he knew, but he would have felt bad about turning it down.

Simmons is being given the key in recognition of his "remaining true to his roots and values". Simmons, 61, has famously claimed to have slept with 5,000 women; this is expected to complicate police questioning of jealous boyfriends when he inevitably gets stabbed downtown tomorrow.

Reports today indicate that KISS singer and bassist Gene Simmons will be receiving the City of Winnipeg's highest honour, the Key to the City. Not to be outdone, Air Supply vocalist Russell Hitchcock will receive a lifetime key to the McPhillips Station Casino.

Stung by recent criticism about a hypothetical 2014 mayoral bid, outgoing Winnipeg City Councillor Gord Steeves will be presenting C-list celebrity Gene Simmons with a Key to the City tomorrow -- thus showing that he has, in fact, learned everything he would need to follow the current Mayor.

Winnipeg Mayor Sam Katz will unfortunately have to miss the event as he will be in Israel at the time, having taken the wrong gate while flying back from Phoenix again. Reached for comment by phone, Katz, 59, confirmed that -- aside from the birth of his current wife -- KISS albums were his favourite part of the late 1970s.

And, finally: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada will 'Shout It Out Loud' in a special ceremony at noon tomorrow, as KISS frontman Gene Simmons will be honoured with the Key to the City. Analysts say that the combination of Simmons and Winnipeg is a perfect fit, as both peaked decades ago and have been embarrassingly declining ever since.

And that's the news!