Wednesday, June 22, 2011

What We Need Now is a Pabst Blue Hotel

An article in today's Winnipeg Free Press opened with a phrase I strongly disbelieved I would ever see in print:

"A Quebec-based boutique hotel chain, called Groupe Germain, is about to add lustre to Winnipeg's hipster credibility by building a boutique hotel across from the MTS Centre."

To our... to our what?

Yes, apparently there is such a thing as "Winnipeg's hipster credibility", and of all the stories to be deployed in it gets invoked for a feelgood piece about a proposed hotel development. Maybe I've missed a development or two in the subculture, but are hotels really something local hipsters clamor for? Do hipsters represent that much of a demand for unique overnight accommodation in a city they already live in? Was it supposed to be a proposed hostel development and somebody just missed a keystroke?

Winnipeg's hipster credibility? Like there are extensive groups of hipsters in Vancouver, Montreal and Toronto all sitting around and sighing deeply, thinking that their city is okay and all, but it's just no Winnipeg?

No, you know what, I'm being too negative again. I'm sure this does make sense, I'm just not qualified to parse it out in my current mental state. If I am to gleam the meaning of this statement, I must make myself capable of receiving it; I must become a creature of the night, black and terrible.

I shall become a hipster!

okay, what, what are we doing. a boutique... a what? a boutique hotel! oh, dude, yes. of course! i am willing to pay more for a hotel experience that matches my almost unrealistically high standards while still catering to my carefully cultivated, wildly overzealous emphasis on my individuality. i... i understand now. a boutique hotel.

i live in this one city, winnipeg, way out nowhere -- it's not that well-known, you probably never heard of it. it's good, though, it's like the portland of the north, nobody kn... what? seriously, in the globe and mail? aw, that sucks. man, eff the globe and mail, what do they know.

i used to hang out in american apparel before it was even a store, it all was a club and some shit. but now i don't shop or go to bars in osborne village any more because it got way too commercial. except movie village. i love movie village. and liquor mart. but eff osborne other than that, that neighbourhood doesn't need my help. i hang out in the poor areas of the city now, like the lo pub downtown.

transcona used to be so much better before they sold out to unicity. that's why i like headingly a lot more now, after they got out of their contract. and waverley west is a big thing all of a sudden? man i lived in waverley west back before they put all the buildings out there.

i refuse to live in tuxedo, it's too ethnocentric. i wanted to live in wolseley but it was too expensive, and there are way too many hipsters there. eff wolseley. west broadway is where it's at, except i don't like manitoba housing and i don't like the upper classes all trying to gentrify it and shit. it's so good, though.

i really like guy maddin. i mean, i never watched the rest of his stuff, but i saw half of my winnipeg on tv. guy maddin's amazing.

i want everyone to know that i absolutely could not care less about winnipeg getting an nhl team, but it had better be called the jets or that's dumb. the moose were way better, i mean i never went to any moose games, but i did buy a moose shirt at value village yesterday to show my support.

hey, do you smoke? you got a light?

thanks. so, yeah, i don't know. teemu selanne is a big deal now, but I saw him play in a barn way back when. you can't go there any more, it got knocked down or something. and jonathan toews was way better as a fighting sioux, he's so overrated now. oh my god.

you know something? i liked global better when it was cknd.

i hate polo park and all the sheep who shop there, but i love the apple store. so i'm conflicted, and shit.

there's never anything skinny enough at sargent blue jeans, i don't know why everybody likes that place so much.

you know what? fort garry beer was a lot better before it sold out to british columbia.

i really love venetian snares, except for all the static and shit. and i still listen to vampire weekend sometimes -- don't tell anybody, though. oh whatever, don't judge me, you still like arcade fire. man, don't even. don't even! whatever.

holy crap, the new canon rebels came out? when did that happen?

i really don't like all the negativity in the provincial election, but i don't vote, so. i do know a guy who says he's a conservative, though, it's not like i'm prejudiced or anything.

i took a year of sociology at the university of winnipeg, back before it became so big. i believe that everybody is equal, except i never give bums any money and i resent people on osborne bridge whose bikes are more expensive than mine. does that make me a bad person? i'm not a, i'm not a bad person. you don't think i'm a bad person, right? okay, good.

i liked smoke's poutinerie better when it was the glass onion.

folk fest camping sold out? already?? man, what the hell. what the hell! eff my life.

you want some of my cold sucks? here, it's good. no, it's good, have some! these are better than slurpees, everybody just like slurpees 'cause they're popular. c'mon, try. try it!

why does everybody like the weakerthans all of a sudden? i hate winnipeg got so played out, i can't believe so many people like it. what's your favorite weakerthans song? oh. mine too. did you know the guy who drew their album cover is an artist and shit? i was surprised, too.

there are a lot of stores here that sell just hats, but no stores that sell just scarves. what the hell, winnipeg.

did you see my tattoo yet? i got a tattoo of the beave. yeah, the beave! oh my god the beave was the best. they kind of did it wrong, though, the mouth is too big. see, there. i wanted to get buckley too but the guy went like ''who the fuck is buckley'' so i didn't.

i mean how do you remember beave but not buckley

who even--


Guh! Okay. I'm back. I'm back. I... whoof. How long was I out?


Emma said...

Awesome :)

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gawd!

Buckley and the Beave. What a flashback, I just lost 30 minutes to youtube.

CreativeNige said...

What? Nothing about eating at Don Deli or Falafel Place?

Y'know, I was going to say this blog post was entertaining, but whatever; you blew it, Hope Howard, or whatever you call yourself. Turn in your scarf.

Why don't you go write for UPTOWN, you sellout. Oh, I forgot, you already do.

Vanessa said...

Bahahaha! You'd make an excellent hipster, sir.