You'd Better Call N-40 or I Swear I Will Kill You

Evgeni Malkin is quite obviously injured. I don't know why his team keeps letting him play shifts of a minute or longer when he's literally moving at half his regular speed. The media is currently playing it up right now as a mental or motivational thing, but come on, you can practically see time slowing down for him every time he tries to lift his legs.

Anyway! Enough on that for now. This is a post about Winnipeg! (Which means it's definitely not a post about the NHL.)

What do you think of when you think of Winnipeg? (You in the back that said 'the Jets', kindly pipe down for now.) What is Winnipeg known for, what does Winnipeg tend to lead the nation or the world in? Slurpees, murder, arson, car theft, hydro consumption, child poverty, days of sunshine (the 'Sunny Manitoba' slogan died over thirty years ago, but the sun apparently didn't get the memo about that) -- and now, bingo. Bingo Capital of Canada!

(Which of you jokesters filed this on Digg?)

This is it, folks! It's all uphill from here. This, no doubt, this above all else is what will finally install a sense of pride in the citizens of our fine metropolis. When the news broke that'd we'd made it and we'd staked our claim to fame, people went nuts! From Perimeter to Perimeter grandmothers and gangsters alike rushed right to their computers, practically tripping over themselves in their haste to proudly proclaim themselves as denizens of THA BINGO CAP.

(Bingo-peg? Bing-ipeg? The, uh... Assini-bingo River?)

Start printing the t-shirts! Start spreading the word! I'm sure the crowds at the Tim Horton's or the Robin's (Ro-bingo's Donuts?) will let out whoops of glee when the good word finally hits the Coffee News, in between a story about a couragous dog and a joke about a man who loves golf.

I've always been more into games of skill than games of chance, myself, so bingo never really appealed to me; by the time I was old enough to use a bingo blotter responsibly instead of blotting everything in range, I'd already found other activities I enjoyed more. Incidentally, if anybody out there wants to play chess, let me know; I'm not really that great at it, but damn if I don't love playing it! And if I can gleam hours of enjoyment from setting up complicated knight traps and then throwing my rooks away like an idiot, I don't see why other folks can't go out and have fun buying thirty grids of squares and only ever getting six numbers total.

You can see from the articles linked above that analysts and commentators have their own theories about our city's bingo fanaticism; they cite Winnipeg's strong Ukranian heritage, its Catholic roots and its prohibitively brutal winters as possible factors. You know what, though? I'm pretty sure that they're all overthinking the matter, and the simpler truth is that we're all just a bunch of people who love the shit out of some bingo.

Say goodbye to "One Great City!" the next time you're driving in; soon enough we'll have the new signs printed and planted. "Winnipeg: A Free Space for Everybody!" I don't know about you, but I'm stoked!